That is a BAD haircut.

I. do. not. have. words. 

False Advertising

This guy catagorizes himself as "Athletic & Toned". *sigh*

Let me gaze into your eyes... I mean, eye.

This lovely specimen of a man contacted me on match.com today. I'm pretty sure he's "the one" although I can't be sure until I can gaze into his right eye. We'll wait for the swelling to go down first. This by the way is his profile photo of choice. 

What?! I can't even read that!

"Hi.im a hardworkn man in the automotive industry.im honest and loyal.my interest r i enjoy all sports movies.dining walkn .sitn in the park.stayn home bowling.snuggleing.im looking 4 a woman 2 share quaility time with.haue good conversation.anenjoy our time together"




He's 50. It clearly says on my profile that I'm not interested in anyone over the age of 42. So not only can he not write... he obviously can't READ either! 

You're not coming anywhere near my clam with your ram!

Ok, if your name on match.com is "Clam Ram" I am NOT interested. I don't even want to KNOW what clam ramming is. I have a good idea, but now I have a gross mental image in my head based on your profile photo and it just made me vomit a little in my mouth.

What's in a screen name?

If your screen name is Gspot304.... We are NOT compatible. Seriously? Nothing like making women feel like your the kind of guy that's looking for more than just sex.

Tonights Match.com search went something like this:

Too old

Too young

Too bald

Too shiny

Too grey

Too hairy

Too short

Too many kids

Too fat

Did I mention too shiny?

Too nerdy

Too ghetto

Too Jewish (yes, there is such a thing)

Too redneck

Gigantically large earlobes

Holy forehead batman you could inhabit an entire village on there!

Too Jersey Shore

WTF is up with all the rednecks?!

Too Republican

Too Hippie

Too Metrosexual

Obviously NOT straight but doesn't realize it yet

Here are some recent photos of men who have contacted me. Full well knowing that my profile age limit is 42. Really guys?

You're giving me a complex!

I'm 5'2" 110lbs. If I can put you in the palm of my hand and flick you across the room with no effort on my part what-so-ever... or if you are thinner than me... we are NOT compatible. Standing next to you would make me feel like an Amazon woman!

Could you be more specific?

This man was VERY specific in his search criteria.

"Attractiveness and Fertility is a plus"

Foot Fetish

Excerpt from a Match.com profile:

"Just a guy here who loves woman's feet, looking to meet a somewhat nice looking lady with nice feet that would let me worship them from time to time."

I don't think you're gonna want to worship my feet after I teach 6 hours of dance classes!