Albany... we have a "stage 5 clinger"

"Hello My Lady I'm Noor Male from Syria Single 35 years old Live in Sharjah with my (Mother , Father), I'm Work in Dubai ( Math Teacher ) I Speak Arabic and a little English but I Study English now I'm separated and have one small boy but not Live at my Flat. I'm a Lone and need a girlfriend for our Life and Learn English and Maybe if our like Marriage Thank you"

What I like to do:Swimm Read Drive walk 

My hot spots:the sea

Nothing says future husband like a profile beginning with "I live with my Mother & Father".  

Gentle man deserve more better woman.....

Yes.... the title of this blog post is what he actually begins his profile with.... VERBATIM. It gets better....

"i am a one woman's man ready to take you by the arm to the alter.. looking for my soul mate, somebody with whom I can share with trust, respect and love.. Seriously honesty and to believe in committing into something that lasts really for as long as you can keep it"


Sigh..... I don't think I'm that "more better woman" for you. 

First Date Conversation

Guys,

Please understand that I am a very passionate, sexual person. However, that does NOT mean that I am going to discuss with you what I am willing, or unwilling, to do in the boudoir on the first fricking date! I don't even want to discuss that with you on the 2nd or 3rd date! So on our first date, when you ask me if I swallow... we have a BIG problem. NOT CLASSY DUDE!

Also, please refrain from jamming your tongue down my throat on a first date. How do my lungs taste?! Christ!

Calgon... take him away!

If you are taking a bubble bath in your profile photo, we are NOT compatible. You may as well be sipping a Cosmo girly man.

Tempting... but NO.

The following was on a match.com profile. The letters WTF?! do not do justice to my reaction.....


"I am a psi and sanguinarian vampire, which basically means I can feed off of psychic energy or blood. I take energy from many sources but I am very selective about whom I drink blood from. I am looking for a human donor to feed from on a regular basis, you must be ok with a sexual relationship because it makes energy transferance much more erotic, and I love the taste of blood when I am all worked up. I am single so a relationship is a possibility. Females only. You must be attractive height/weight proportionate, young and clean, no acceptions, I am extremely selective when it comes to feeding."

Holy Exclamation Marks Batman!!!!!!!!

We are not compatible on match.com when you send me an email and after every sentence you use 3-12 exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are not compatible if you read my profile & send me an email that says this...

"UHHHH I MITE HAVE TO BREEZE THREW THIS SHIT. MITE BE POPPINN!"


I'm assuming by "shit" you are referring to me.... but let me assure you... you're not breezing through me and nothing will be "popping". I know, I know, hard to imagine a woman would NOT go "krazazy" for your ass. I can imagine the conversation would be incredibly stimulating & awe inspiring. 

Sigh....

If your profile name is "FunnyFarter".... you should NOT be in a relationship... you should live in a Frat House.

We are not compatible on match.com if....

...it looks like you are going to murder me, dismember me & drain all the blood out of my body. (This is his ACTUAL profile photo) He lives in Clifton Park ladies.... be careful!

Umm... NO.

This is DEFINITELY the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Booger from Revenge of the Nerds contacted me today.... sexy.

Blarney Stones...

Listen, I respect your Irish Heritage... but if you are wearing a Kilt in your profile photo... it's a deal breaker. I don't even know you yet. I do not need to see your Blarney Stones.

I think you may be having an allergic reaction...

Did you just eat peanuts or stick your head in a bee hive? Try ephinephrine. I think that may help.

Not by the hair of your chinny chin chin!

We are NOT compatible if you are holding your chin with your hand while taking a photo of yourself. 

I thought we already talked about this?

Stop it. You're scaring me.

IDK? Really?

We are NOT compatible on match.com if you type "IDK" in replacement of "I don't know" on your profile. Guys that type like teenage girls need not apply!

Shiver Me Timbers...

If your profile name is "Pirate Jack Sparo" we are NOT compatible. And FYI... it's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. Arggggg

We are NOT compatible on match.com if you say....

"Are you ok with the fact that I'm only interested in dating & I'll most likely be moving to California in a month or two?"

Now here's how that translates to a woman:

"Are you ok with the fact that I'm only interested in calling you occassionally over the next couple of months when I want to get laid before I move to the other side of the country?"

If you are doing THIS in your profile photo... we are NOT compatible.

El haram want to have some female friends....

Click on photo to enlarge. It is a MUST read.

I was kinda hoping for..... someone without Jaundice. You really should see a Dr.

His tag line:

"Sensual delight in the erotic playful tango of gazing into each other's eyes..."

We are not compatible if you've "been in some trouble"... whatever that means!

Tagline:

"past five years i been in some trouble so is dificult to say and splain but i am a normal personand I still have my heat in the sholders."

Could someone please tell me what "heat in the shoulders" means? Does he mean "heart on my sleeve"? 

Here is his really tiny photo. (actual size)

We are not compatible if you are lazy...

If you don't even have the motivation to create a profile with some thought and genuine care... we are NOT compatible. Here is a recent profile "tagline". Obviously match.com requires a minimum amount of characters and this guy couldn't think of anything to say in three lines?

"an honest person looking for a pure and honest personnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn- nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn- nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn- nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn... …"

We are not compatible on match.com if your profile photo looks like this....

Angry much? This photo certainly makes me want to have a cozy cup of hot chocolate with you.

We are not compatible if you send me an email like this....

This was waiting for me in my match.com inbox today: (photos of this lunatic are below)

HI! You seen to be a very nice woman... 
HI My name is Dino. I really need a true woman friend like you to be happy with, so can we exchange house phone numbers via emails? j...........com is my email. I really need a “TRUE” friend! 
…Goodnight XOXOXO Call....Geee, I really hope we can be friends before my 3-extra months are up, I really need a true woman friend! Now I only have about 2.2 months left….

Sincerely,
Dino

We are not compatible if you are displaying the "Aloha" hand sign in your photo.

Why we are not compatible on match.com based on your profile....

A photo of you holding a giant ass fish you just caught.

A photo of you in Camouflage.

A photo of you doing the Aloha hand sign or a hand sign of equal dorkiness.

A photo of you kneeling down in front of your car so that we are absolutely SURE you own a BMW. 

Photos of your car.

A photo of you with your ex-girlfriend.

10 shirtless photos of you taking a picture of yourself in the mirror. 

Your handle is "Wolverine", "Black Wonder", "Single-AGAIN", or "Su-su-sudio". 

You have no hair, very little hair, or a ponytail.

Your tag line says, "Whatchooowant..... baby I got it!".

You are old enough to be my father... or grandfather.

Your photo looks like a mugshot or may have been taken back in the 80's. (when I was like 10)

Your hair is styled like Justin Bieber.

You are out of shape.

Under your list of what you're looking for in a woman it says, "Runway models are a plus".

You have a handle bar mustache.

You say, "I'm the kind of person who would hold your hair while you are barfing".

You fake tan.... and it's obvious.

Under the "Interests" section it says that you enjoy sticker books, finger painting and anything Hannah Montana.

You live with your mother, but you're moving out as soon as you get back on your feet.


In your profile photo, you are holding a beer or standing next to 25 empty beer bottles. 


Your 'about me' section is the lyrics of the song "Time in a bottle".