That is a BAD haircut.

I. do. not. have. words. 

False Advertising

This guy catagorizes himself as "Athletic & Toned". *sigh*

Let me gaze into your eyes... I mean, eye.

This lovely specimen of a man contacted me on match.com today. I'm pretty sure he's "the one" although I can't be sure until I can gaze into his right eye. We'll wait for the swelling to go down first. This by the way is his profile photo of choice. 

What?! I can't even read that!

"Hi.im a hardworkn man in the automotive industry.im honest and loyal.my interest r i enjoy all sports movies.dining walkn .sitn in the park.stayn home bowling.snuggleing.im looking 4 a woman 2 share quaility time with.haue good conversation.anenjoy our time together"




He's 50. It clearly says on my profile that I'm not interested in anyone over the age of 42. So not only can he not write... he obviously can't READ either! 

You're not coming anywhere near my clam with your ram!

Ok, if your name on match.com is "Clam Ram" I am NOT interested. I don't even want to KNOW what clam ramming is. I have a good idea, but now I have a gross mental image in my head based on your profile photo and it just made me vomit a little in my mouth.

What's in a screen name?

If your screen name is Gspot304.... We are NOT compatible. Seriously? Nothing like making women feel like your the kind of guy that's looking for more than just sex.

Tonights Match.com search went something like this:

Too old

Too young

Too bald

Too shiny

Too grey

Too hairy

Too short

Too many kids

Too fat

Did I mention too shiny?

Too nerdy

Too ghetto

Too Jewish (yes, there is such a thing)

Too redneck

Gigantically large earlobes

Holy forehead batman you could inhabit an entire village on there!

Too Jersey Shore

WTF is up with all the rednecks?!

Too Republican

Too Hippie

Too Metrosexual

Obviously NOT straight but doesn't realize it yet

Here are some recent photos of men who have contacted me. Full well knowing that my profile age limit is 42. Really guys?

You're giving me a complex!

I'm 5'2" 110lbs. If I can put you in the palm of my hand and flick you across the room with no effort on my part what-so-ever... or if you are thinner than me... we are NOT compatible. Standing next to you would make me feel like an Amazon woman!

Could you be more specific?

This man was VERY specific in his search criteria.

"Attractiveness and Fertility is a plus"

Foot Fetish

Excerpt from a Match.com profile:

"Just a guy here who loves woman's feet, looking to meet a somewhat nice looking lady with nice feet that would let me worship them from time to time."

I don't think you're gonna want to worship my feet after I teach 6 hours of dance classes! 

Chins (Plural)

If you have more than one chin..... we are NOT compatible.

Profile Do's & Don'ts

DON'T....

Put photos up that are the size of my pinky nail.

Put photos up of just your pets.

Put scenery photos up.

Put group photos with no single photos of yourself. How the hell am I supposed to know which one YOU are?!

Mention several times in your profile that you just want to "have fun". That leads me to believe you are just looking to get laid and not settle down.

Wear a hat in EVERY photo because it makes me fearful that you might be bald as a babies ass.

DO:

Put large enough photos up so that I can actually see details. (Like the color of your eyes, if you have all your teeth and they are WHITE, or if you have cute little dimples.)

Take the time to fill out the WHOLE profile. What you are looking for in a woman and what she can expect from you. If you don't fill out any of the information about what you desire in someone, it makes me think that you are just desperate for ANYTHING. It also makes me think you are LAZY.

Sex only once a month?! Eff that!

This is Verbatim. Copied & pasted....

"i am looking for sombady to make me happy.
we can see each other once a month.
we can go out and walk during the rainy day.
i am very good in masage and specially in sex.
if you are looking fo somone making love with him,
i can be a right person."

Wow! Where have you been all my life? 

We are NOT compatible on match.com if...

1. Your eyebrows look like they could lead me in a Cha-Cha while you are still standing across the room.

2. You email me 5 times in 1/2 an hour before I even get the chance to respond ONCE!

3. Every photo on your profile is a scenery photo. You're supposed to put photos of YOURSELF up there. This leads me to believe several things:

a.  You are bald
b.  You are not easy on the eyes
c.  You have no teeth
d.  You are obese
e.  You are very old
f.   You are too cheap to purchase a camera and just stole photos from google images and put them on your     profile.
g.  All of the above

4.  Your screen name is "PimpinBoss".

5.  Your face is so shiney I can see my reflection in your photo.

Manscaping is a MUST!

Guys, guys, guys.... PLEASE I'm begging you... shave the hair off your chest. This isn't 1975. If I see one more photo on match.com of a hairy chest I'm going to hunt you down & shave you myself! 

ps. If you have hair on your back or ass.... well... need I say more? Ever heard of manscaping? Yeah... that includes DOWN THERRRRRRRE) Wax it, shave it, whatever you have to do... GET RID OF IT! Guess what? We don't live in caves anymore and men don't have to run around in fur thongs clubbing animals over the head for food.... which means you don't need to be covered all over your torso for warmth. We have houses now and National Grid heats them for us. We have clothing and coats and stuff to keep us warm. Hair now only belongs on your head, legs, and arms. Not on your back, ass, chest or man junk. 


Would you be turned on if I looked like this? I didn't think so!

Piercings....

If you have more piercings on your face than an entire African Tribal Village... we are NOT compatible. Let me make myself more clear.... if you have ANY piercings on your face... we are NOT compatible.

Pay attention boys....

If your screen name is "Foreplay69" you can count on NEVER indulging in any foreplay with me.